So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
When did angry sex become our thing?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
