help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
