Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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