How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
