yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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