there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
