You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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