It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
