Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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