I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
