I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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