Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
