If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
