i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
