please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
