My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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