So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
