dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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