he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
