Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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