It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
