dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
