i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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