someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
