dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
