You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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