My friends, they love my intelligence
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
