I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
