i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize