Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
zippers are such a cool invention
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
