Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
