I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
