It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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