I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
