omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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