i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
