you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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