I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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