If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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