just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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