sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
