Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
