Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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