I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
