wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
