if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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