I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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