lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
