im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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