You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
