I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
