i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
