I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
