i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
