your parents love me but you hate me
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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