I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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