The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
