I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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