On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
