K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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