You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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