I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You can't just leave with hair like that
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
