omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
