The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize