Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
