in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
