Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
