Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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