I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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